2019 reflections.

 

I feel like I should just scratch out 2018 from last years post and write in 2019.  Another chaotic, painful and stressful year.  I spilled out the first five months of 2019 here and I’m back to finish off the final seven because here’s another year where once again…I’m glad it’s over.  I really do try to counter with self talk…”Robin, it could be a lot lot worse.”  And that’s so true…but.

So here I am…to chronicle the remaining months and be done with 2019.

Most of June was spent processing the sale of the family farm and the move of my mother to a nursing facility. I was still feeling mentally and physically exhausted. Knowing that NYC is always a good distraction, a week in the city was filled with museum visits, favorite restaurants and in this case a day seminar on self portraiture and the opening reception of Brooke Shaden’s “Begin Again” exhibition of her self-portrait fine art photography. Amazing. Oh, and the Garry Winogrand exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum was incredible as well.  A short trip and then back to Arizona to welcome the summer solstice.  During the first month at the nursing facility my mom experienced five falls. Thank goodness none resulted in any major injuries. There are just no words for the incompetence in this facility.  So even when I travel I constantly worry.

July is hot in the desert so lots of time spent doing inside projects, as well as time in the studio.  Then it was off to Virginia towards the end of the month to check on my mom. My first visit back and no farm to go to. No retreating to the woods to process stuff. That was tough. Experiencing some days with mom, after she was moved, left me with a number of concerns about this nursing facility. This trip confirmed how horrible nursing home care can be.  What could I do.  I had visited five facilities and either they were so horrible, they never called me back or they wouldn’t take my mom.  I had no choice but to place her in the current facility. No one has any idea how this feels unless you’ve walked in these shoes. It’s a horrible feeling to leave your mother in the care of incompetent people.  As you can imagine coming off this visit and seeing and experiencing the lack of care meant returning to Arizona to ongoing sleepless nights. It just overtakes your days and your nights. Your thoughts wonder…what is she doing, are they taking care of her?  Days after returning from Virginia in early August was a planned trip to Buenos Aires, Argentina.  A delightful week spending time with our “son” who was an exchange student for a year back in 2005. But travel doesn’t mean the worrying stops.  In September we took a short weekend road trip to Santa Fe, New Mexico to attend a dear friend’s 75th birthday party.

In October my husband traveled to Cambodia for a month and I took the opportunity to stay in the desert and work in my gardens.  Some solitude, some girlfriend time…it was all so needed.  In early November I traveled back to Virginia to check on my mom. Of course the incompetence of the staff from the administrator to the director of nursing to the nursing assistants continued to be just mind blowing.  As an example, mom generated 26 pieces of laundry in two days because of staff not taking her to the bathroom timely.  I shared my concerns with my mom’s eldercare attorney and she was appalled at the lack of care, but not surprised.  A number of her clients had been voicing their concerns about this facility as well.  She made a phone call and I was able to meet with the administrator of the small nursing facility I wanted my mom to be in from the beginning.  Fast forward my mom is back on their waiting list and we are hopeful of a move there at some point.  A move after 8 months being in this current facility.  One can’t even begin to understand what goes through my mind each and every day in anticipation of a move and what a change like this might create for my mom. I ask myself all the time…”am I doing the right thing?” And I answer by saying “yes I am. I must get her out of there regardless.” But will the care be better?  I keep telling myself…”it has to be.” And here we are in December and I’m still waiting. It’s been almost 2 months.  I just don’t want her to die in that filthy place that’s filled with incompetence. She doesn’t deserve that at all.

I’m closing 2019 with this piece of art that I started creating on the eve of the winter solstice.  Each and every paint stroke, each piece of collage paper, every mark and scribble, each stitch…they all represents a passage, an event, a thought or a feeling from the past year.  Most represent something I want to leave behind to help me with moving forward.  The ladder represents the journey and the opening at the top of it represents the unknown. The unknown of the final steps, what’s yet to come. In the middle of the piece I wrote out John O’Donohue’s poem “For a New Beginning” for 2020.

 

For a New Beginning

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This beginning has been quietly forming,

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered,

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,

Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream,

A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening;

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is at one with your life’s desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;

Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

~~~

Note to self on this art piece:  I learned a lot. I added layers and tore off layers. I wrote out my feelings and covered them up.  I sanded and added more layers and I sanded some more. I scribbled softly and I scribbled with force. There’s lots of feelings and lots of energy that went into this piece.